The Great Turkey Hunt
The best thing about Christmas is the Great Turkey Hunt. It's a game of strategy. Any cats worth their whiskers will look forward to the coming struggle with relish!! Itís a traditional ritual for all cats everywhere and one thatís very much loved. For the kittens among you who havenít yet discovered the delights of The Great Turkey Hunt allow me to tickle your taste buds.
The objective of the game is to get the best pieces of the turkey for yourself. Of course, Humans mistakenly believe the turkey is theirs. Itís your job to convince them otherwise. The turkey is naturally yours. Itís been bought for you, cooked for you and it quite clearly has your name, and teeth marks, all over it! The winner of the game convinces his humans that this is so and generously shares his or her prize with the rest of the family, human, feline and, yes, even canine. It pays to be generous.
It begins when they start to prepare the turkey for cooking. Let them know in as loud a voice as you can, exactly how much you are looking forward to your turkey. Keep this up through the hours of cooking and emphasise your feelings by leaping onto kitchen counters and getting in the way of all the other preparations. Sinking your claws into a leg in excitement can be forgiven in the heat of the moment. Subtle threats, like preparing to claw the furniture then looking meaningfully at the cook can help to get your message across. You can tell if youíre doing well in this section of the game if your humans stop shouting at you and start begging you to be quiet in a pathetic and beaten tone of voice.
The next stage comes when the turkey is taken out of the oven ready to be served. If at all possible you should increase the volume of your complaints. Running backwards and forwards across the kitchen shows your excitement and, if youíre lucky, you may trip the human carrying the turkey. If this happens youíve won (although I suggest you donít hang around to gloat, humans donít have a very good sense of humour!).
Very likely youíll be offered some turkey flavoured peace offerings at this point, in the hope of keeping you quiet. Donít be deceived. These are the rejected bits of skin and meat that are unfit for all but a dog to eat. You should turn your back and show your disgust with a shake of your back leg. Remember, theyíve kept the best meat for themselves and the game isnít over yet!
The family have sat down to enjoy their meal and itís time for you to go into the final stage of your plan. Sit at each chair in turn and plead longingly for a piece of turkey. If this doesnít work, try jumping on the table to help yourself. If they chase you away, sneak back and approach your victim from behind with all the care you would use stalking a mouse. You may need to get a little higher, the kitchen counter, a dresser or any other bit of furniture that lets you come up behind the victim, on the same level as his plate, is what you need. Wait for a good moment to strike. Look for time when his plate is unguarded and a large piece of turkey is exposed. A lightning fast paw coming from behind to hook a piece of meat from the plate is very hard to stop. Take your prize somewhere safe to eat.
If youíve successfully completed all stages of the game then your humans should have realised their mistake by now. In desperation theyíll give you your proper share of the juiciest bits of the turkey, if only to stop you ambushing their plates every few minutes. Itís hard to enjoy your food if you donít know where the next attack is coming from! At this point itís customary to be generous, now that you have won your rightful share, let them eat whatís left of theirs in peace.
If youíve eaten far more turkey than is good for you, feel free to sick it all up. Over the sofa is good or over the unopened presents is another favourite. Alternatively you can wait until your least favourite human is snoring in a chair by the fire and sick up in their lap.
Have a happy and Well Fed Christmas
Your friend, Solomon