I don't know why they call me fat! I'm just well rounded and cuddly. Anybody would think I was greedy by the way they all carry on! Wretched humans call me Garfield and snigger. I don't know what they think they're laughing at. As for complaining, I never complain. I am the very soul of tolerance. Easygoing to a fault, I am always courteous and self-effacing. I am, sadly, a very misunderstood cat!
This is an area I know a great deal about being very fond of the fairer sex! I don't wish to boast, but I am very well thought of in our local area. So here, for the inexperienced among you, is my guide to becoming the girls favorite kitten machine.
Girls smell wonderful! Who hasn't sat on the garden wall, enjoying the spring sunshine, when a feline beauty has strolled past, wafting her provocative scent behind her. Tempting you to follow her, she throws you a challenging glance, then walks away as if you didn't exist. Ahh me!! The rites of spring!
So, you can't resist her and you follow along in her wake. What now? Well lets assume you have no rivals. In any case, the battles between toms are irrelevant to the lady in question. She will still pick a mate of her own choosing, regardless of whether you have just beaten the crap out of every other tom in town or are a ragged and bleeding shade of your former self, having been thrashed in the first round. If she wants you, you're it.
The biggest mistake a young tom can make is to assume that because the humans have you neutered, you will lose interest in sex. This is not so . I am myself a neuter and I can guarantee that I still get as much fun out of sex as I ever did.
It is important to remember at all times that girls are armed and dangerous! I know this sounds obvious but it is very easy to forget in the heat of the moment. You will not be able to go more than three or four feet from her. You will feel as though you are tied to her on a piece of elastic. You will need all this space. If you get too close she will attack. You will be following her around in this manner, like sex on a string, until she is ready for you.
When her season is high, she will start calling to you in seductive tones and rolling voluptuously in front of you. This is irresistible but take care, this is where it starts to get dangerous! Despite her siren call, she is probably not ready to mate yet. The inexperienced tom dashes in and finds himself severely beaten for his pains. This is known as foreplay.
It will happen a number of times and you will end up looking as if you have just been worked over by a dog! Some believe that inflicting pain in this fashion excites our lady to greater passion. The sight of a ragged and bleeding tom being a powerful aphrodisiac. This would explain why she watches the battles of the rivals for her favours with such interest, urging them on with displays of lustful abandon, only to pick someone she'd had her eye on anyway, regardless of the outcome of the fight!
Eventually, when you have taken enough punishment, she will call again. This time, as you approach warily now, she will present her hind quarters to you. At last! This, however, is your most dangerous moment! As the two of you proceed she will start to growl, getting louder and louder, ending with a shriek of rage as you pull out. At this point RUN! If she catches you it will really hurt! She was only playing with you before but now she is seriously pissed off!
After she has washed herself and taken out her temper on anyone she can reach she will be ready to start again. This can go on for several days so you need to be very fit and very agile if you hope to avoid the necessity of a trip to the vet.
The only time girls are more aggressive than during mating (more aggressive!?) is when they have kittens. All sensible males leave mothers well alone. A safe distance would be several miles. If you can't manage that then stay under the sofa until the kittens have grown and arrange to have your meals delivered.
Unless you have divine protection (like Jake, who got into the birthing box with his mother and proceeded to wash her while she gave birth, helped her to wash the kittens and acted as second mother to the whole bloody litter from then on!), nursing mothers are the most dangerous animals you will ever have the misfortune to be mutilated by.