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I have a reputation to maintain! I am the black shadow of death, gliding through the gardens bringing murder and mayhem to the rodent and bird populations of our area. It doesn't do my credibility any good at all to be seen in public in a pink doll's dress, dangling on the end of a harness! I mean, who does she think I am! Barbie? You should hear the abuse I receive. Mad Kevin from next door lounges on the wall and laughs his whiskers off! I'm surprised he doesn't fall off the way he rolls around clutching his sides and gasping for breath! Every rodent for miles comes out to see the show. Pretty soon they're getting out their sandwiches and settling under every available bush to enjoy the show. "Listen mummy, the birds are singing to Jake!" Yeah! Fat lot you know about it. They're singing "you ate my brother you moron, it's about time you got what's coming to you!" and things much worse than this. Sparrows especially have very nasty mouths on them. I couldn't repeat the kinds of things they say. They go screaming overhead, dive-bombing the garden and the air is full of their scornful laughter. Soon they're making target runs and dropping wet, smelly bombs on my head. I'll get them for this, just you wait, your brother isn't the only meal I'll be eating! My only consolation in this sorry affair is Mad Kevin. His howls of mirth finally get the better of him and he falls off the wall, twelve feet down into the fish pond! If there's anything funnier than a cat in a dress, it's a wet cat covered in pond weed! Jake |
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