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 For the love of a Queen
Ok, let me introduce myself, I am Splatt Deekatt. Now a while back a two-legger wrote a story 'bout me and posted it on the Internet and before you know it people all over the world are talking about the Splattman.
So one the fellas down in the alley where I socialize said, "Hey Splattman, you always got opinions about everything why don't you write a column yourself." I gave it a thought or two then I said Why not. So here goes.
The first thing you gotta know about me is I can't stay in one place too long. I kinda get them itchy paws. My whole life got turned around when I followed this little Calico number to her place and hung there for while. Before you know it I was a daddy to five kittens. Me the Splattman with responsibility. Now that just ain't cool. So once again I took my exit.
But every fine feline I got close to wanted commitment after a couple of sleep overs, know what I'm sayin'. Commitment. Think about the word fellas.
Websters sez it means to com-pro-mise or to entangle oneself. I don't know about you, but those two words scare the fur off my tail. Usually by the third sleep over I am history anyway. I have no desire to be entangled or, compromised.
However even the best of cats sometimes get caught in that revolving door called L-O-V-E. Yep. The Splattman got hooked. A Persian. Had me drinking from her well manicured paw. She said jump and I didn't wait for her to tell me how high. I leaped into the air. She was all of the things that I wasn't. Rich, sophisticated and could speak 'bout four languages. I only speak two. This one and indecent.
She took me in and before long I was living in the lap of luxury. Gourmet meals, weekly baths (Yech), a clean bed and a sort of strange two-legger family with three bratty kids. Now I should 'xplain, my Queen was a Blue ribbon champion, TV commercial star and basically the bread-winner for the two- leggers, so my Queen was kept away from the kids, because to the two-leggers she was more important than the kids. That made me the family pet, not a job I was comfortable with, but what the hay, my Queen lived there.
Now I should tell ya, that I had a bit of competition in the romance department. You see, in the condo next door there was a Persian male. A pompous snob. The type of guy who looked down his nose at anyone who wasn't Persian. Every now then the two-leggers would kidnap him and bring him over to "play" - their word, not mine- with my Queen. So the Splattman used to slap him around a couple times, just to let him know "who is the man," and then send him packing.
You see the Queen, well she was into the rough stuff and the Splattman dug the situation. I sorta saw the day when me and the Queen could be happy together with a different two-legger family where the Queen wouldn't have to earn her keep. But that all changed when the Queen sorta got a few buns in the oven The two- leggers were ecstatic and so was I. Our mutual euphoria only lasted until she gave birth. The two-leggers were pissed that they didn't have a litter of Persian Blue bloods from the snob next door. Instead, they had a mix of my Russian ancestry and the Queen's Persian lineage, which if I might say so myself, produced the prettiest litter you ever saw. Sure wished the two-leggers had thought the younguns were pretty too. But they didn't. The two-leggers decided they wanted to protect their meal ticket, so they had me snipped.
Bastards!
Soon after that the two-leggers moved us to the Big Apple to live. The way they figured it, they could pretend that my Queen was still a virgin, and no one would be the wiser. You see virgins make more money. Imagine, me the Splattman in New York, New York, the city that never sleeps, wine, women and song but all I can do, is follow and sniff. Am I bitter? You bet your Monikevonzipa.
So Bubba, you go boy, and do it for all us cats who have been snipped, clipped and otherwise zipped, and if Monikevonzipa wants to do the unladylike thing and talk with her mouth full to Lonely Lindastripa . Hey power.
Until next time Meoow and Grrr.
Splatt Deekatt
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